Out of the blue, I answered a call from an unknown number. Breaking with my usual routine of screening my calls, I was surprised to hear the voice of a close friend I hadn’t spoken to in 20 years. He was in town for a wedding. We met up at a restaurant and spent several hours catching up on each other’s lives. We shared stories about the trials and tribulations of our journeys.
The interaction wasn’t by any means unusual. People spontaneously reach out to say “Hi.” Or they bump into lost friends or acquaintances when one or the other is visiting or back in their hometown. Though our lives have taken very different paths, it was really great seeing my friend. But, of course, not every reunion is this joyful.
Fortunately, our interaction was the former.
We said we would stay in touch, and I left feeling really glad to have had the get-together. Time will tell if we do stay in contact, and I started thinking about the way friends move into and out of one another’s lives.
Making friends is vital to healthy development beginning in early childhood. I remember having one particular “best friend” in first grade. We shared a fascination with World War II movies. We even managed to work those situations into totally unrelated school writing assignments. You’d be surprised to learn how often, in the middle of a story about a dog playing in the yard, the Japanese would suddenly attack.
Throughout school and work, we meet and befriend others. In some instances, those friends become an enduring – even lifelong part of us. Others weave in and out, and sometimes back in again. Some make their mark, then fade into memory. Our interests or circumstances change. A rift begins over a behavior or unkind remark, and we have a falling out. And people die. All these situations bring together and then separate friends.
The wise philosopher Homer (Simpson) once proclaimed, “To alcohol – the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” The same can be said of Facebook. I’ve seen variations in social media on the theme of friendship, where someone posts a remark about “unfriending” someone. It’s sometimes prefaced with a proclamation: “No real friend would ever (insert situation here);” or “If you are reading this, then you are still (in my contacts).”
I don’t believe that when someone exits our circle it means they were never really a friend. Of course they were! People spend time as a part of our lives for a reason. That reason is different for each relationship. Perhaps it is to get through a difficult situation, learn a particular life lesson, or to fulfill a mutual need. When we experience a new chapter – be it a job change, a new home purchase, or an exploration of a common interest, and make acquaintances – those “new” chapters get replaced by even NEWER ones. When a movie ends, we turn off the TV and go on to our next activity. It doesn’t make that movie bad. It makes it completed. Maybe it makes sense to think less of a friendship ending; and rather, think of it as completing.
Consider more positive approaches: “You were the perfect person to share what I experienced;” or “I am exactly who you needed in this moment of your life.” The moment could have lasted for half an hour, or for 60 years and counting. That brief friendship doesn’t become less important. The life moment itself just turned out to be of a shorter duration, or lesser impact.
Many Stephen King stories have been adapted into movies or TV shows. Although most know him for horror or supernatural themes, I think his most profound works are not. The first example is The Shawshank Redemption, a novella about a man serving a life sentence for a crime he didn’t commit. Another is Stand By Me, a coming-of-age story about adolescence. The final quote from the movie may sum up this idea better than I:
“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12. Jesus, does anybody?”
-Toph
